Musings!

"Don't Cry for Me..."

2005-11-27T20:01:00.000-04:00

OK, it's the end of the line. Yeap. Time to finish the whole blogging thang. I know of about five people who probably read it, and that's it! Not incentive enough to keep it going I'm afraid. There's something very weird about writing your thoughts, your interests, your daily activities in a public place when few public read it. So...au revoir mon amies. My email is: stephenlovesflying@yahoo.ca and yes...I still love flying.

Oh, for those of you (if there are any 'yous' out there) who were interested in seeing my 'other' blog, you know the more controversial one? Well, I've been working on a book for about a year now, and have decided to concentrate my energies on that, which in many respects will contain the thoughts I would have expressed on the 'other' blog. A brief summary if you're interested:

- Issues of Biblical interpretation, for example how is it that Christians accept something like divorce (despite the strong anti-divorce statements that Jesus made) and have no trouble having divorced men & women in positions of leadership and pastoral oversight, and yet choose not to accept any other intepretation of the small number of verses that address certain homosexual practices?

- The good and bad on both sides of the homosexual debate.

- How public figures like Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell & Jimmy Swaggart are using tactics of fear and lying (and worse still, ridicule & hate mongering) to scare people to their view of all issues surrounding homosexuality, often based on the grand myth of the 'gay agenda'.

- Points to consider surrounding the controversial issues of same-sex marriage and gay couples adopting children.

- It will also include my own story and the painful journey I've been on to find some place of peace; and yet the loss that I live with daily as a result.

So....there ya go. I'm hoping to have the book out next year sometime, God willing.

OK...over and out homosapiens.
S.t.e.p.h.e.n.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

2005-10-24T14:25:00.000-03:00

It's been ages since I last posted...I know. But then life has taken a turn into the fast lane and I'm only just getting up to the required speed so that I don't get left behind and banged in the rear from those travelling beind me!

THAT THING CALLED.......WORK.
It's busy man. But I love it. I have the best boss and best people to work with. I have an amazing health plan like none other I've ever had. And I can earn heaps more vacation days by doing overtime. And because there is a lot of work to do, I am doing lots of overtime. WOO HOO!!! In addition to my 2 weeks annual leave and the additional week I get at Christmas time because the university is closed I also have another 7 days up my sleeve now. But the time 2006 begins I should have about 15 days up my sleeve! Yes....that gives me 5 weeks holiday!!! Not too shabby ah?
(Is God gracious or what?)

MOVIES, CINEMA, THE PICTURES, THE FLICKS, THE TALKIES!
Movies...yeah, luv 'em. Lately I've been to 'History of Violence' (go see it...but don't complain about the blood and stuff OK? it's about violence after all. Look at the deeper emotional level that is playing out...the relationship level. Yeah...Vigo (or is that with 2 g's?) is da man! Very good.) 'Into the Blue' (a little slow in parts but an interesting drama/thriller with some good twists & turns. The underwater filming is nothing short of awesome and the way they've got the actors swimming down there is just plain beautiful). 'Flightplan' (go see it if you like aeroplans (I do), like tension (I do), like Jodie Foster (I do), like seeing the bad guys get what they deserve (I do) and like some very cool visual/emotional film techniques in the opening (I do too). I enjoyed it. I don't say this very often about movies, even ones I've really enjoyed, but I'd go see this again.

NEW BLOG, A TIME FOR EXPRESSION, TIME TO BE CHALLENGED, TIME TO VENT!
I'm starting a new blog folks. One where discussion can take place on some current 'hot potatoes' (that's if anyone visits). Been on my mind for awhile. It may be abit controversial as I want people to be honest and open, as much as they can, but without lowering their respect and kindness to each other. Sometimes that's not easy. Often it's easier to blast someone and then run! Maybe this blog will be more about shedding some of my own demons over things that have happened in the past 18 months, but I hope it's more than that. I feel as Christians we are in a time of having to sincerely re-evaluate some of those sacred cows we've held dear over the years. I wonder if some of those sacred cows desparately need slaughtering because they are severely getting in the way of us being what we should be in this world of ours! The issues that are 'hot' where I am are in two predominant areas:

1. Same sex marriage and human rights for gay people
2. The influence of and what people really think of the great US of A, and especially President Bush.

Within those two areas there is certainly a lot of scope for talk but I think it would be a good idea to be specific in our topics. I will present a subject topic and for a period of time we can 'go for it'.

So have I set your mind a-thinking, your heart a-racing and your palms a-sweating? Yes? Good! Perhaps I should add that at times it might be an "enter at your own risk" situation! But hey...we're adults! (Maybe I'll have giveaways....and chocolate to attract the crowds!!!)

Finally...some quotes. This time by H. Jackson Brown, Jr (I think he's from the US of A):
"Never go near a kid with a water hose, unless you want to get wet"
"Remember the main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing"
"When someone is down and out, mail them a $20 bill anonymously"
...and finally...
"Never fry bacon while you are naked"

Hugs...
S.

Awesome Times!

2005-09-13T22:25:00.000-03:00

AWESOME
Oh man....Saturday was Jonathan's wedding. And if you missed it, you were just plain stupid!!! What a fantastic affair. Full of love and God's presence and honesty and humility and fun and laughter. You could see the love Jonathan had for Maija as she came down the aisle, as she stood next to him, as Maija's cousin sang a song that Maija has composed for Jonathan, as they sat together after lighting candles, as they said their vows, as theY walked down the aisle....WONDERFUL! A couple of hundred people were present for the ceremony and the afternoon tea that followed. Then it was outside for family photos before heading off to a park for the bridal party photos. After this it was the family and bestest friends dinner. Everything ended just after 9pm and I think we all left with a sense of deep exhileration and those warm feelings that come when you see love at work and feel the brush of God's hand across your cheek.

I spent 5 days in Toronto helping Jonathan and Maija before the wedding with all the last minute things, and then flew back east the day after the wedding. It was indeed a privilege to serve them in practical ways. They had both put SO much into their preparations and they were tired. My prayer now is that they will find peace and rest as they are together on their honeymoon this week.

Hey....guess what? I still love my job!!!

No quote this time. I need sleep.
Signing off!
S.

New Job, Finished Play, Coming Wedding.

2005-08-20T22:34:00.000-03:00

What can I say about my new job? Mmmmmmmmmmm......well, I LOVE IT! It is great. I have my own office. I have flexible working hours and shorter working hours than I've had for many years. I get paid more than I did at the previous job here in Sackville. The environment (old stone buildings, trees and gardens) is BEAUTIFUL! The other staff are friendly and helpful. And it is a 7 minute walk from home. Yah God! Yah God! He did it again. I feel profoundly humbled to have this opportunity to find myself again through my job.

I'm also very pleased because next week I get my evenings back. For the last two weeks I've been performing in my 2nd play for the year and of course prior to that were the rehearsals, and then prior to that was Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Nights Dream". But, tomorrow night is our closing night and pay time, so it's all good. It has sure been an unusual experience acting with this theatre company, which is in a town about 15 minutes from Sackville across the border in Nova Scotia. I doubt I will act with them again as the inconsistancies in their professionalism, or duye to their lack of it, is pretty disturbing. So, rather than go through the sense of being lorded over by the director and not once entering into discussion about characterisation, I shall just bow out! At least I'm being paid for it! Thank you Lord. Your provision.

Wedding in 3 weeks. Pretty cool. Am sorting out the transport for it, which I'm enjoying. Should be a fun time. Am flying with Jerry (my roommate) out to Toronto on Sept. 6th and the wedding takes place on the 10th. Rhonda's folks arrived safely last weekend and I spoke to them last weekend. Sure is nice to have them here, especially to spend time with the boys and Rhonda.

SOME INTERESTING QUOTES:
In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. Martin Luther King Jr

America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up! Oscar Wilde

Work and struggle and never accept an evil that you can change. Andre Gide

Them's the breaks! Literally........

2005-07-31T22:32:00.000-03:00

The travails of the Puddle family!
Yes indeed.
Last Saturday Damien was playing rugby and while tackling an opposition player succeeded in hurting his mouth/jaw somehow. Not being sure what the problem was, but suspecting broken teeth, the team coach recommended that Rhonda take him into the emergency dentist. Once the dentist saw the extent of the damage he confirmed what the problem actually was. Damien had broken his jaw in two places! Yes...you heard it here and it's true! Damien's jaw was completely out of alignment at the front with one side higher than the other, plus there was another crack up by his right ear, running in line with the jaw. The dentist cleaned up the copious amounts of blood and then packed gauze into Damien's mouth, before Rhonda took him into Sunnybrook Hospital Emergency. He was admitted after xrays confirmed the breaks and then on Tuesday he was operated on and had a plate put into the front of his jaw and then special braces put on his teeth. The braces then had elastic bands attached between them to keep it all in place. What a saga. Poor Damien was really in a lot of pain and discomfort and even when he was discharged on Thursday he didn't really improve until Sunday. He has to be feed thru a syringe and of course all food must be pureed. He will be like this for anywhere from 4 - 6 weeks. His spirits are higher now than previously, so we are grateful for that.

I flew out here first thing Tuesday morning and have been able to be with him most of the week. Rhonda was really busy with a conference, so things worked out well for me to be free to come and help out. It's important to me too to be able to do this. I fly back to Sackville tonight after a good time, though of course it was hard to see Damien going through so much pain and discomfort. (He said he wants a double bacon cheese burger when he can eat properly again!!!)

I have resigned from my position with Moneris, the financial company I was working for. The job just wasn't me and the stress of it was more than I was willing to take on. I now have a 2nd interview coming up this week for a job at the local university, so am REALLY praying I get this.

The future looked very exciting with my intention to mount "In the Shadow of Death" this November during Remembrance Day weekend. Various people have expressed their desire to be involved and auditions are set for August 27 & 28. Things have been dampened somewhat though as I cannot find the DVD's containing the soundtrack. This is very disturbing. A huge amount of work went into getting them all working and running. I don't really know what to do now! (Watch this page)

Jonathan's wedding plans are going well, but he is finding it a little daunting with the amount of work that has to be done. He and Maija are great organisers so I'm sure they'll get everything done, but hope they don't burn out in the process! It should prove to be a great wedding day. Jonathan's grandfather, Rhonda's dad, will be marrying them, so that is doubly exciting for us all. He (Bryan) and Alison (Rhonda's mum) arrive mid August.

That's all for now.
Since I have been having trouble with the banks lately, here is what I feel about them:
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

Topsy Turvy Times

2005-07-12T14:59:00.000-03:00

I am saddened again to read of bomb attacks on innocent Israeli civilians. A suicide bomber blew himself up amongst teens in Netanya. And even prior to this Israel has had to fend off other attacks during the 'so called' cease fire with Palestine. Again I can only conclude that so many of the PA are liars and murderers who have no intention of stopping their terror. The average Palestinian is also caught in the web and lie of kill or be killed, or caught in the madness unwillingly. It is a horror which most of us first worlders do not understand, although many are beginning to after the horror of the latest London bombings, the Madrid rail bombings and of course 9/11. And no longer are just the Americans the targets (as much as they often like to think they are!) but it could be any of us.

I am aiming to perform 'In The Shadow of Death' again this November. To again speak out for those who can't speak and to raise the awareness of anti-semitism, as one form of the craziness which seeks to swollow our world.

God have mercy.

In the style of a detective narrative.

2005-06-26T17:54:00.000-03:00

Sackville - 6.03pm Sunday 26 June.
The weather started out hot but I was not feeling the best.
Just the mood thing of mine dipping low again.
Email messages were few.
Friends are quiet.
Breakfast was nourishing. A nutritionist may be pleased with me.
Jerry and his parents and brother went to their cottage, I remained home.
I sat in the Sun, covered in insect repellant. Partially succesful. Only two bites instead of a zillion.
Looked at my favourite www.airliners.net site and decided to post a link to some videos of crazy landings:
http://www.flightlevel350.com/index.php?action=ad(copy & paste it...it isn't a link)
My weight has increased due to some new medication I'm on.
Bummer!
Not fair!
Evil drugs!
I'll probably need deliverance now to rid me of this demon weight gain, mood enhancing drug!
Had 3 really good days last week. Hope was in my heart.
The week I spent in Toronto was good. Very good. Maybe excellent.
Thanks God.
Most people know I love to travel. Wish I was travelling now.
Found this quote in Sarah Hunter's blog....
"Travel is only glamerous in retrospect."
– Paul Theroux
It's true.
Time to go.
Hugs to anyone who reads this. Maybe just me. I'll hug myself then.

Toronto Dayz

2005-06-14T11:07:00.000-03:00

Yep....I'm in the big TO early. "Elliot the youngest" unexpectedly had his appendics out last Wednesday night and is now at home recovering, so I flew in Monday morning to be with him and let Rhonda return to work. It's good to be here with everyone. He's recovering well. Nice to see how well the boyz and Rhonda are doing. And today the Sun in shining. For how long, remains to be seen, but at least it is doing it's thing for the moment. That helps the depression.
Mmmmm...depression. Some days are good...yesterday. Some days are not so good (a few days last week) and some days are terrible (Sunday). Sunday...pretty much freaked out by even having to breath (or should that be breathe? I get those two words mixed up). One long panic attack until about 4pm and then it slowly subsided. Going to rehearsal at 6pm helped. Something creative and also the Sun was shining by then. Ah yes....that Sun.
Got an email Sunday night from my sister Maureen with a good 'word' about God the Father's love for us. Very encouraging. Needed it. Was a good reminder to keep listening to his voice, especially during the 'bad' days.
Am concerned about the finances and my work. I don't know if I can return to my old job. Even the thought of it and what it entails freaks me out at the moment. All those people calling, calling, calling and wanting to know where their money is...why it isn't in their account...why are they being charged this fee and that fee...when did the fees increase...and on it goes. Talking to a work colleague the other day about work made my chest tighten. Crazy. (Reaching up to God for peace)
OK...other things to do now.

Sun to Rain to ?

2005-06-07T11:55:00.000-03:00

One day at a time. (I think there was a sit-com in the 80's with that title). That's me at the moment. Probably not too different from the rest of the world really, but in the midst of a major depression bout, it's a good principle to live by. One moment I feel almost normal, the next I feel almost crazy. I wait for the gift of 'anti-depressants' to take up their assigned place in my system!!! (And thanks for the prayers)

Jonathan (my oldest) is engaged. Wonderful news. I have been asked to be the MC. An honour. Damien (my middle boy) will be a groomsman, and Elliot (my youngest) will be the ring-bearer (yes...a little Frodo Baggins!). Rhonda (my ex wife) will be busy making the bridesmaids dresses and helping with the invitations. So it will be a family affair all around. Nana and Papa White from New Zealand will be arriving in August to stay with Rhonda for 6 weeks, so that will be nice for all concerned. So special days ahead. At least by the time this all rolls around I should be well and truly back to my 'normal' self!

I miss my boys terribly these days. In my mind I think most of my past christian friends thought I had simply 'given up' and so separated from Rhonda, running off to a stress free life, leaving her with the boys, etc. Not true. My decision to leave was forced upon me in the end, after much agonising. The need for truth and integrity about being gay, was what I felt was important. We had covered up for so many years and sort every Biblical (and non Biblical) way for healing. And I was also tired of all the 'church politics' going on with my pastors/old friends. Their manipulation, authoritarism and conditional 'love' Well...that's how it looks to me, and I was finally the one who took the brunt of their 'help'! I'm sure others will have their own version. But...it's my boys I truly grieve for...not the church...
not the people there...not even the old friends who walked away holding their friendship tightly bound in their fists. Oh well... my next visit to the boys is June 18, and then I'll still be with them for Father's Day on the 19th. This will lift my spirits I'm sure, as I can bless and encourage them 'on the spot'.

So much out here is green and flowering at the moment, but the wind is blowing strong again today. It has stopped raining for the moment. I should see green as indication of God's new life coming forth. Mmmmmm.....hang on...hang on...hang on!

From a Poem...
Fear no more the heat of the Sun, nor the furious winter rages.

Difficult Days

2005-05-20T13:09:00.000-03:00

The weather in Sackville has again turned cold. Rain and wind. Not a nice combination when my days are filled with sad events.

My friend Will died yesterday after battling cancer. What an awful thing cancer is. It attacks the most unsuspecting people and so often wins the battle between life and death. Will was a lovely guy...gentle, friendly and willing to help out where he could. Yes..he would turn up late for rehearsals, but he always had a good excuse! At least now he is free from all the pain he's had to cope with these past 7 months. I'm especially sad at his passing as he was one of the few friends from my old Toronto church who kept in touch with me. He would tell me how he loved me unconditionally and accepted me as I was. It was the practical love of Jesus he displayed that touched me; even to the point of phoning me when I was in Australia last year to encourage me and see how I was.

My friend and buddy Jerry is also ill. Diagnosed with meninigitis this week, he is still in hospital taking a few steps forward and one back each day. Our hopes he might be home by this weekend, seem to be unfounded now, as the medical staff talk about him being in hospital for perhaps another 10 days. We hope at least he will be transfered to our local Sackville hospital, instead of having to stay in Moncton hospital, 30 minutes away. It's been hard trying to keep all his friends and family up to date with his progress. He's a well loved and popular friend and collegue to many people. And a wonderful friend to me.

On the up side, Jonathan, my oldest son, flew in Wednesday night with his girlfriend Maija. Currently they're touring PEI (Prince Edward Island) and then southern New Brunswick before returning here Sunday night. It's so nice to have them here, and there may possibly be some exciting news from them when they get back!

In all that is happening, I find myself facing many challenges. It seems my depression is back for a visit. I went off my anti-depressants some months ago and all has been going pretty well, until the last few weeks. All the stress of the above I guess is compounding things. Now I have to go back onto those damned pills again so that once again I might feel normal. A slow process. Prayers appreciated!

Tired now. Signing out.

Spring-Sons-Shows

2005-03-30T22:45:00.000-04:00

What moves me these days???

Spring - Me thinks it has arrived in Eastern Canada! Jerry has an orchid in the house here which now has 4 out of 7 blooms flowering majestically. It is wonderful to look at their beauty. The weather is gradually warming up, but for this Kiwi lad it still isn't warm enough. The wind gets to me. Cold ears. Now cold ears move me. Move me right indoors!

Sons - Elliot has just visited with me for the Easter break and it was a really cool time together. Visits to a movie, a show, restaurant meals, shops and just having fun at home filled the days up very easily and of course they went too fast. Dad was certainly VERY moved after Elliot left on Monday! Not a happy boy was this Dad! I had to get out of the house so Jerry and I drove to a maple sugar farm just across the Nova Scotia border and we learned all about the process of turning maple sap into maple sugar and maple syrup. Lots of fun. (Elliot arrived back in Toronto safely with his gifts and purchases all intact. I now wait for copies of the photos he took on his camera of the weekend fun.) I'm looking forward to being in Toronto in April to see all the boys, and Rhonda, and then in May, Jonathan and his wonderful girlfriend Maija will be visiting out here.

Shows - Am writing a new play about a priest who is defrocked for being gay; am auditioning for a summer production of Midsummer Night's Dream this weekend; have another audition coming up for another theatre company here in Sackville and am in the process of creating a solo show which I aim to perform at the end of the summer. Am also going to start putting feelers out for having "In the Shadow of Death" produced out here. Sometime I'm going to get a vehicle and transport all the props and costumes back here. So I am feeling very moved back into theatre once again. Theatre is so much more accessible out here. It's wonderful.

I like this quote. It has proven true in my life this past year:"A real friend is someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."

My Three Sons!

2005-03-19T12:36:00.000-04:00

Those guys I love!

These three guys are my pride and joy. Yes I know lots of Dad's say that, but it's totally true. They love me and I love them. I would die for them if necessary.

Me mate Bry!

2005-03-19T12:33:00.000-04:00

Moi and Bryan.

Bryan has been one of my best friends over the years. He's a sensitive, caring, strong and forthright guy who is a great father to his 4 kids. He's stood with me through thick and thin, so when he told me he and the family were moving out to Calgary, I was quite upset. But God works in very cool ways, and I was able to farewell him without the pain that I thought would accompany his departure. Relationships change and the changes aren't necessarily bad. I was able to embrace his move and rejoice with him at how well everything worked out for them all. He is happy and the family are doing well. Love you buddy!

Sunny Saturday.

2005-02-26T20:16:00.000-04:00

I have to go and lie down. I'm abit dizzy you see. Coming off these anti-depressants I've been taking for the last 3+ years and it sure ain't straight forward. But...I'm determined to do it and I don't feel like rushing to the kitchen drawer and finding a sharp knife, so that's good. But I must also go out too and enjoy this sunshine.

Have been in my new job for 3 weeks now and officially started taking calls Thursday. Pretty intense but I'm enjoying it. I like the challenge though always breath a sigh of relief when the call turns out to be an easy one!

The boys' mother is just about to embark on a cruise today down in Miami, courtesy of TACF. It's very cool of them to do this for her. She deserves it, that's for sure. They're holding a conference on board the ship and doing something in Puerto Rico when the ship berths there.

Am learning to recognise the anger still inside of me these days. Have felt that I have been getting stuck in it so have been asking God to help me in some extra measure to work this through. A friend said it is probably all part of the recuring grief cycle, and I think he is right. I thank God for friends who can provide a perspective that I can't always see myself.

Time to finish.

Hugs to all who read this...and maybe you can leave a comment or if you can't do that then send me an email or if you can't do that then say a prayer for me and if you can't do that....well you better check your pulse because you might be dead!

Luv y'all
THOUGHTS:
- Kiss a flower.
- Open a door for a stranger who is younger than you.
- Let the man in the well dressed suit or the business woman who appears to have it all together go first in the queue.
- Say thank you to the person who cleans the bathrooms and clears the garbage in your work place (or leave a note for them)
- Give yourself space to rest and doing nothing, except be alone with yourself and God.

The Christian Right!

2005-02-09T22:05:00.000-04:00

A Christian guy I knew said to me recently, that the "Christian Right", are not 'Christian' and seldom 'right'. I thought that this was probably going abit far, but even as I thought this, I felt something shift inside me. That shift kept me off centre! It caused me to begin to explore this disquieting statement, and as I did, I discovered that I dared to actually believe he might be right! That he wasn't just another liberal, 'off-the-wall' bad Christian afterall!

You see, I think as I've listened to much of what the Christian Right is saying these days, I have come to a conclusion. Ready? Here is it: ta daaa....
I think they are in essence Christians (well...they say they are)... who stand up to be counted. But not as servants of mankind, dispensing the love and grace and forgiveness of Jesus, but rather have become a clanging gong of a voice who say "we have got it right and if you disagree with us you are wrong...in fact, you are gravely wrong; deceived; on your way to spiritual bankruptcy".
This wasn't the way Jesus did things, and I did think that in taking the name of 'Christian' we were in fact saying we were followers of Jesus way of doing things! (I guess not).

Another thing I realised is the terrible imbalance in what they say and what they 'take on' as important issues. For me, the issue of 'gay equality' is the primary focus (although I have to admit to feeling very concerned about the Iraq war these days!) So, I'm listening to what the 'Right People' are saying about it all, and what I hear doesn't sound very nice. I've heard them say that this issue is possibly one of the gravest issues to face mankind today and threatens to
de-stabilise the very core of our society. Mmmmm......I have to be honest here. I think they are seriously misguided. They are racing after March Hares instead of dealing with the Goliaths!

- What about the thousands of injustices in the world today which are allowed to happen? Not on just a private level but on grand corporate and community levels? Where is the Christian voice speaking out against such corruption? Where are the Erin Brokovich's of the Christian Right???

- What about the millions of people who are dying around the world due to horrific wars? (And I don't mean Iraq....I mean the African wars.) Wars largely ignored by the popular media and also by that country to the south of me which contains the highest proportion of "Christian Right"? Where is the voice for the poor and destitute here?

And let's get a little closer to home....the Christian home I mean?

- What about the fact that Jesus said nothing about homosexuality in his teaching, and yet the way the Christian Right talk you would think it must have been his only topic of teaching! I mean...if Jesus hates fags (as the Westboro Baptist Church in the good ole' U.S. of A claims...check out their website for some sick reading) He sure left us in the dark didn't He! Not one word on it! (But did you notice how clear he was about Christians who divorce...and...God his Father forbid...remarry?)

- And why, if Jesus knew that the issue of gay rights was going to be such a terrible thing in the coming ages, (yes....de-stabilise the very core of society and the family and marriage and schooling and housing and really the whole damn world in general) why did he keep so silent about it? Ever wondered about that? (Well, maybe it's time you did.)

- I think of the scriptures that speak against gluttony, gossip, unjust gain, seeking the place of power in front of people...and I'm reminded of those pastors and leaders in our churches who are fat, and rich, and criticise other ministries and preachers, or who do indeed take the 'best seats at the table' and sit up on the stage or in the front rows of their church's so as to make their position before others clear.

- And I think of the spiritual pride displayed in the name of Godliness, that still seeps through from those who are said to be in the forefront of Christianity these days. Those who see themselves and their ministries as keys to what God is doing in the world. How they surround themselves with other ministries of the same 'calibre'.
(Maybe it is just plain lack of trust in God to keep them from being tainted by those who are less 'in tune' with the moving of the Holy Spirit).

I like that scriptue which says: "as you do it to the least of these, so you do it to me". Homosexuals would certainly qualify as the 'least of these' in the eyes of our Christian Right. But, it would seem to me that the way these 'least' are treated is hardly the way that Jesus should be treated! Then again...maybe that's the problem. He is treated this way, and it is the arrogance and self-righteousness of the 'Christian Right' who are the purveyors of this treatment (though they don't see it).

Ever wondered about that scripture which talks about all the people who come to Jesus at the end of time and say to Him:
"I prophesied in your name and cast out demons in your name" etc, etc, and how he says to them... "depart from me, I never knew you" ? Scary huh?

Oh well; it just gets worse and worse I think! Or maybe I'm raving. But then something has shifted within me and I've decided that my friend was largely 'right' in what he said!

Oh My! It's been so long....

2005-01-23T02:14:00.000-04:00

Yeah I know. I've been really slack. I should have blogged a couple of weeks ago, but things got away on me. Should I beat myself? Nah! Am learning to be kinder to myself these days.

Lots of changes since I last wrote. Man! I never know what is coming up sometimes. After receiving permission from my 3 wonderful boys I have moved out east to a wonderful little town called Sackville. It's in New Brunswick. Am staying with a very cool friend of mine who offered me a place to stay when everything else in Toronto wasn't working out. And...on Wednesday I was offered a job, which I have of course accepted! I start February 7. I'll be working in this banking Call Centre helping people with credit card problems. I can move onto other areas though after the initial 3-6 months, and I am definitely interested in becoming one of their trainers. The work environment is very nice and the people seem really friendly too, so I am truly grateful to God. This came at a great time for me. Helped me remind me about God's for me. Oh...this was the first and only job I applied for!

I have to admit though, that I'm realising how much I don't trust God sometimes. I guess it is mainly when I feel very lost about what to do with things in my life, especially as it relates to work, accommodation, finances, etc. Kind of shames me really. I love him and know He loves me, but man...sometimes I just get to wondering what He is doing and when things will final settle down abit for me? Perhaps this last year has taken more of a toll on me emotionally and spiritually than I've admitted to myself. I know I still have a lot of pain from all the shit that happened with the church and so-called friends. Oh well...I won't go there, except with God. Will have to get on top of all this angst sometime though.

Been flying a lot in the last month and am pleased to advise all the world that I will soon have enough points in my AA Advantage Mileage account for a free trip somewhere in Nth America. (Now where should I go? Florida? California? New York? Would definitely like somewhere in the Sun)

Is great being in Toronto this weekend with my special guys. Wow I love my off-spring! Talk about laugh tonight when Rhonda, the boys and I were playing a new card game. One of those special moments that you can't conjure up!

Time to fly. Bed is calling.

QUOTE/SAYING:
"Don't think too highly of yourself in case you bang your head on the ceiling"!

Back in Toronto.

2004-12-26T03:47:00.000-04:00

Well I am now safely back in Toronto. Christmas day was really nice and I felt very welcomed by Rhonda and the boys. Unfortunately my bags didn't make it home. Still waiting on the airline to find them, so this really sucks. Rhonda goes away for 6 days holiday and so I can't even give her the gifts I had bought. Hoo hum. Also found out the room I was hoping to get in this nice house downtown was taken this Wednesday. So am feeling abit down. Now have to start looking again and be moved out by the time Rhonda gets back.

My farewell party in Brisbane last Saturday was a lot of fun. People came in some great masks and we all had a really cool time. It was special to feel everyone's love for me. I'm missing all my friends down there now of course, but at least I'm closer to my Canadian/Nth American friends now.

The weather here is really cold. I had forgotten just how cold it could be! Out with all the winter clothes!

Back to bed for me now. It's nearly 3am.

Remember...if you are reading my blog can you email me so I know that it's worth keeping this going.

Love and hugs to you.....Stephen.

Home again, home again, jiggerty jig!

2004-12-14T20:56:00.000-04:00

Back in beautiful Brisbane now. What a lovely time Bali was. I think what I enjoyed the most was sitting looking at the sea, sunbathing and swimming. Just to feel the freedom to do that, without always thinking about what "had" to be done, was very relaxing and refreshing for me. Thank you God! Bought some presents for people and a few little things for myself because the prices for things are SO, SO cheap. You can get DVD's there for AUD$1.20 or about CAD$1.00!!! So I bought about 15 DVD's!!! For myself I bought 'The Hours' and 'Passion of the Christ' and 'Girl with the Pearl Earring'. I also went dancing a couple of nights and the 2nd night I danced nonstop for about 1 1/2 hours! A record for me in recent times. Years ago I could do this, but recently I am tuckered out after about 2 songs! So was VERY pleased with myself!

It is only 8 days now until I fly out of this lovely city and return home to Toronto. The time here has been more than good. It's been revitalising and essential! I have grown so much in my understanding about myself, but perhaps more importantly, my understanding about God and his ways. Being a Christian and being gay has been a hard road for me, but God has been so faithful in walking beside me, especially when others have lashed out at me in anger or self-righteousness because of my stand. God has been helping me to accept what I need to accept, be open to change where I need to change, and to let go what I need to let go of. The process has been gentle but significant. Having supportive friends around me during this process has been essential, and it is really why I came to Brisbane in particular. So my heart is very full of thanks and love.

Returning to Toronto brings it's own challenges for me, but being back with Elliot, Damien and Jonathan....my three incredible sons....is a plus, plus, plus!!! And spending time with Rhonda will also be good. We have communicated so well over these initial months of separation. Her love for God, for the boys and for me too has been a wonderful thing during this transition stage. And I believe, as the old song goes, "things.....can only get better...."!

Once back, I have to find a place to stay (from early January) plus a job plus furniture! I already have a possibility for accommodation, so that is pretty cool. Just have to see it when I get back and see if I like it. It's downtown and the guys renting it out are friends of another Flight Centre friend of mine! What a small world we really do live in. The house is in Cabbagetown and sounds very nice. I will help clean the place should I move in, so that reduces my rent slightly, which will be helpful.

I'm getting ready for my 'goodbye party' this Saturday. About 20 people will be coming and a couple of friends and I are working on all the details. We're going to transform Irene's lounge room into a veritable vista of cloud, colour and beauty! Tee hee hee. It is a requirement to wear a mask or come in fancy dress, so it will be lots of fun to see what people turn up in. I have a Cirque de Soleil mask that I shall wear, as the request of a lovely friend, and I am making a mask for Irene.

In these last 8 days my diary is getting very full now with dates with friends to say goodbye and also some work with Flight Centre. Unfortunately I had a number of my work assignments cancelled, which financially had me scared. BUT...it is also a blessing because I get time to do the other things. I just have to keep holding onto God's ability to provide for me.
span>

Have been wondering how many of you beautiful people are reading my blog. As it seems that you can't post comments here unless you are a blogspot member, I ask that you just send me an email and say "Yes...I'm reading it" then I'll know to keep this up. Thanks. stephenlovesflying@yahoo.ca

This week's quote:
(Well...a joke really. Slightly risque but I like it....especially having come from a Baptist church background myself!!!)
Why is it that Baptists don't have sex standing up?
Because it may lead to dancing!

Goodbye for now one and all. Catch you soon.

'B' is for BALI !!!

2004-12-06T09:34:00.000-04:00

Yep folks....I made it to Bali without any hitches and can say that this holiday is beginning to be so AMAZING. I feel so relaxed and at peace here. Wow God is amazing. He knew just what I needed and when I needed it.
I am reminded again how friendly the Balinese are and how cheap things are. What a change from Europe or even Australia. (Want a massage.....AUD$10 for 1 hour!!! Why not have 2!!!)
The first hotel I'm in on the beach and is really lovely. The pool is exceptional and today I spent nearly all day sunbathing and swimming. The redness of my skin testifies to the sunbathing, that's for sure!
Last night when my friend Anthony and I were out we rode on a motorbike together....with the driver! Yes....3 on a motorbike...and without helmets. Crazy huh! But loved it. Haven't been on the back of a motorbike for years.
Tomorrow we are off on a full day at a Beach Club on another island where we can snorkel, go for banana boat rides, a village tour, parasailing and tropical fish viewing. Should be a fun day.
Love you all my friends and will write more soon.

FUNNY SAYING:
" I run with scissors "!!!! tee hee hee

Stephen....reporting from Bali.

Reality keeps hitting me!

2004-12-02T07:50:00.000-04:00

OK...so I had some work today at the Indooroopilly store, which I'm glad about. Means I've earned some money (although I won't see it until early January). Getting paid once a month sucks. Ah...money! The great bane it seems of my life. Never enough and yet the bills don't stop mounting. So I feel like I must continue to take stock of my spending. I don't think I'm an extravagant person, but maybe there are still things I use my money on which could be cut out. A stricter budget. Strict! Such a severe word. I remember the first time I ever heard that word. It was when I was a small boy growing up in Invercargill (bottom of the South Island in New Zealand) and my sister took me with her to visit a family where she told me the mother was very strict. I didn't know what that word meant and so she told me. My memory seems to recall a largish woman with a lot of kids around. Maybe there was no husband. Funny the things you remember out-of-the-blue.

I am concerned about my future job when I return to Toronto. I know God will have something up her sleeve but regardless I worry. Don't seem to be able to get on top of this one so easily. I must try though. Logically worrying produces nothing of significant benefit, and yet I still do it. Ho hum. Confirms I'm human I guess. (That's good....sometimes I wonder!)

Been very hot in Brisbane these last 2 days and without the air conditioning in Irene's apartment it can get a little warm. Mmmmmm....Irene! Leaving her will be hard I think. She has been so very supportive and such a wonderful friend to me. A friend who I've learnt I can tell anything to. There aren't always many of those in one's life, and I think she is only about 1 of 3 such friends in mine. My being here has also lifted her and encouraged her too. Am glad to think this has been a mutual blessing.

I like these funny quotes/sayings (not sure what you call them) that I got from somewhere:
- God, please protect me from your followers
- We childproofed our house, but they still get in!
- "I run with scissors" !!!!

So many 'COUNTDOWNS' ....

2004-11-30T11:17:00.000-04:00

Today I worked the 2.30-10.30pm shift again. Quite like this as it gives me my morning free. Didn't get a lot of sleep last night....was chatting online and connected with this guy in Toronto who is renting out his basement room with ensuite. Was going to be $500 month but I said I had cleaned houses before, he said he needed a cleaner, so I said I'd clean the house and he dropped the rent to $400 a week. He knows a friend of mine with Flight Ctr in Toronto, so this may work out well. I'm to phone him when I arrive back in Toronto and see if he has rented it out yet. Was quite an amazing turn of events that I discovered this so I think my celestial care giver is letting me know that he's got things in hand (even though I still freak out).

But I do feel like the countdown to so many things is happening. Leaving for Bali on Sunday for a week's break with my friend Anthony Venn-Brown from Sydney...my farewell party on the 18th (it is a fancy dress or mask wearing party)...my leaving on the 23rd (flying home via Tokyo with a night there)...my reunion with Rhonda and the boys on Christmas Eve (WOW....that will be something else)...Christmas of course...and finally where I'm to live and what I'll do for a job. Oh...and I head off to a conference in Dallas from 6-10 January, then to New Brunswick for a week with my closest buddy. Lots of great and special things to look forward to, but really the reunion on Christmas Eve will be the most precious and important.

Saying goodbye to my wonderful friend Irene here in Brissie will be really hard. She is such a great woman and we will miss each other alot. But despite this, and being offered work with Flight Centre down here, I am returning home. And home is Toronto.

I'm starting preparations for my farewell party tomorrow. Have bought material for individual "goody bags" to say thanks to all the great people I've met while here, and will start to work on my face mask and also Irene's. Will be a lot of fun. Can't wait to get into it. Ahhhhhhh............
creativity....love it!

When I get settled into things back home again, I want to look at getting the theatre company set up again. Feel that this is very much where I should head with things. Won't be full time of course. Not enough money in it! Maybe one day. Who knows....maybe a wonderful benefactor will come along and want to payroll my productions!!! (Please God! Oh please please please)

Time for bed I think. It's 1.45am. No work tomorrow (actually, that should be 'today'). And I also had 3 more shifts cancelled tonight too! Arghhhhhhh! Someone who was sick is returning to work after a long absence and so the department doesn't need so many temps now! A bit sucky, as I need the money, but I guess there is a reason for it.

A quote to finish with:
Be nice to me. I might be your boss one day!

Joy and Sadness...

2004-11-26T07:43:00.000-04:00

Well it has been a day! Indeed a day. I didn't sleep well. Went to bed excited because it seemed that finally Anthony will be able to come to Bali with me. WOO HOO! (to coin a phrase introduced to me by my special friend Jerry.) He really needs the break, so I'm very glad he's coming. He's excited about it too. So...I kept thinking about the things that needed doing....courier my prize voucher to the airline, get Anthony's tickets paid for, make sure Anthony faxes a copy of his passport to the airline, sort out the extra accommodation we need, remember to get travellers insurance arranged, .... and seventy twelve other things. Eventually got up and took a pill! ("It went straight t'me knees" for those who would appreciate that 'in house' expression.) So didn't get a long sleep.
Then this morning was Renee Watson's funeral. A lot of people there and a very emotional time. Five of her school friends spoke, and that just about undid most of the mourners, as they tried to speak through their grief and tears. Dick Watson, Deane's dad and Renee's grandfather, had flown over from New Zealand to be with the family. I've known Dick from the age of 6. A great guy with a marvellous sense of humour, he spoke with real love for his grand-daughter, and then read a poem he had written.
One thing they did during the funeral which was excellent, was an audio visual presentation from when she was young right through to recent weeks. Very moving.
I ended up leaving early so couldn't talk with Sue and Deane, but will call them when things have settled down abit, and see how they are.
Had lunch with Bruce (not my brother), who wonderfully chaffeured me to and from the funeral, and to Koorong bookstore so I could buy a book that I wanted to give to someone for Christmas. I now have all the White family presents so will post these to New Zealand next week. Then it was off to work for my 2.30pm-10.30pm shift. And....that's where I am now, writing this. A pretty slow afternoon/evening actually.
Oh, last night I went to my spiritual director, Patrick, and that was pretty cool. Patrick is an ex Catholic priest. We talked mostly about my dreams, as he has studied dream interpretation from a Jungian perspective, and has a lot of wisdom to share on it. All that we discussed really hit home, so I'm grateful for what I'm learning about this.
Tomorrow I work the 8.30am-4.30pm shift and then go to Bruce's in the evening to watch that excellent Bette Davis movie "All About Eve". (I brought it with me from Canada!)
I'll leave you with another quote before I sign off: (quotes are becoming a favourite thing of late)
My theory is that the hardest work anyone does in life is to appear normal. ~From the movie Ed TV

Busy, busy, busy!

2004-11-24T07:59:00.000-04:00

Work today from 2.30 - 10.30. Consistant phone calls but still lots of down time so I could do emails and 'stuff'. Trying to organise my Bali trip is proving less straight forward than I thought. Emails back and forth trying to confirm the free accommodation and finding out if my friend Anthony can join me, plus now having to courier the prize letter to Perth and fax through a copy of my passport. Pretty cool that I got my new passport today! (People still think I look like Elton John, and even more so my passport photo!!! Arghhhhhhhhhhhh. At least my hair is all mine and not some transplant..........for the time being!)

Am going to the funeral on Friday of Sue and Deane's eldest daughter. Everytime I think about it I am stunned by the thought of the grief they must be feeling. Such a difficult time for them. Yvonne phoned Sue and they both cried over the phone. Wow. Life does not offer all that we expect. A quote: Life is what happens when what we expect does not happen. Just as well God is around to hold our hand during this kind of stuff, even if we still hurt like hell.

Looking forward to dinner with a bunch of guys Sunday night.

That's is for now.

A sobering quote that I've come to understand as being true:
Better to be hated for what you are, than loved for what you are not.

the beginning

2004-11-23T05:51:00.000-04:00

today i began my blog.
some rules:
nothing too personal (don't want to embarrass anyone, most of all me)
nothing too descriptive (don't want to shock anyone, most of all my mother)
nothing too boring (don't want to bore anyone, most of all me)
no capitals (makes for freer writing)

who am i? mmmm....interesting question really. most of the world is still trying to answer that.
but me.....i'm stephen. 43yrs old but usually feel like i'm about 18. separated but get on well with my ex wife. she's an amazing woman who i have a lot of respect for. have 3 wonderful boys... jp / dp / ep. all very cool dudes who i also respect and love to bits. miss them heaps being down here in australia, but will be back in toronto christmas eve. i'm really an actor and theatre director but am working for a travel agency here in brisbane, australia. interests includes movie watching, theatre, reading, fashion, travel, biking, crosswords, dancing, music, commercial aircraft and airlines, hanging out with friends, amusement parks, long chats with friends over dinner, decaf cappucinos, sunsets and doing arty things.

so...today I worked 2pm to 10pm. it was a slow evening. have now started temping in the flight centre 24 hrs emergency department. it's mainly for those people who have trouble with their bookings and can't get hold of their agents. often times the trouble is caused by the fact that the agent mucked up some how. boy....some of the problems are classic. (eg: people turning up to the airport and discovering that their 'e tkt' was never issued, even though they paid for it!) so lots of trouble shooting in this position, but I quite like it and the time goes by real quick. the other staff are nice, though some are really quiet and don't talk to me much. one guy is like that and i feel left out of things when he's around. asked god about it and felt he said that i need to be careful not to take on the rejection that this guy has in his life. good advice i thought.

slept late today as i didn't sleep well last night. ended up taking some sleeping tablets around 1am so this knocked me out abit and i didn't get up until 12.40pm. took the 1.30 bus into the city.

time for bed. it's just gone 1am. don't have to work until 2.30 tomorrow afternoon and finish at 10.30. found out today that the eldest daughter of friends of mine here in brisbane was killed in a car crash. bloody awful. tragic. can't imagine my friend's grief. will try to get to the funeral on friday if yvonne and doug send me the details.

night night.